Good news, he said. I was always told it was piss in the boot. She couldn't control her pupils. It all happened so fast., A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. Tap To Copy. A bowl full of mice-cream. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. Is someone being a total dick and youre at a loss for what to say? Dont you want to play with any of the toys?, Yes, the little boy bawled, but if I did Id only break them.. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. Thanks to them, it's easier than ever to memorize one or two quips to fill those awkward silences at your next backyard barbecue. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? All rights reserved. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug. ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. Submitted by Reid Faylor. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. But they were fully booked. My ex had one very annoying habit. A: Lavion rose. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. You can use these yo mama jokes as good comebacks in an argument. 8. Shave my head.Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu, Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. My wifes having a heart attack and youre running around naked scaring the kids!, Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. Me: Yes. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. Up in heaven, she sees God. This moment of friction gifts you access into your partners interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. ._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN{margin:0;padding:0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;margin:8px 0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ.QgBK4ECuqpeR2umRjYcP2{opacity:.4}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label svg{fill:currentColor;height:20px;margin-right:4px;width:20px;-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_ svg{display:inline-block;height:12px;width:12px}._2b2iJtPCDQ6eKanYDf3Jho{-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{padding:0 12px}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:12px;letter-spacing:unset;line-height:16px;text-transform:unset;--textColor:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80);font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;color:var(--textColor);fill:var(--textColor);opacity:1}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F._2UlgIO1LIFVpT30ItAtPfb{--textColor:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:active,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:hover{color:var(--textColorHover);fill:var(--textColorHover)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:disabled,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[data-disabled],._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[disabled]{opacity:.5;cursor:not-allowed}._3a4fkgD25f5G-b0Y8wVIBe{margin-right:8px} Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?, The priest looks at the bottle and says: Good Lord! Here are the funniest court cases of all time! short for? Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Keep rolling your eyes. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. Men are like Blackberries. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Now, sure. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. An impasta. As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. Honey, whats for supper?. Oh, hey, kettle, Im pot and wow, youre black. Olivia Cunning, Tie Me, 26. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . Thats exactly the effect you want to have! Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. "You can't make somebody love you. More jokes: 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh . A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. How are you feeling? she asks. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. A car hit an elderly man. Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. Im going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world., 20. You cant make somebody love you. 7. Ill never part with it!. Im actually not funny. 2. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machinespring cleaning and all that. All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. I have to walk back alone.Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctors office. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. Submitted by D.T. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. Who could think of safe, new football jokes? You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Me: 2011. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. 15. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.Submitted by Nancy Send, An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. It says, Do not feed. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. Lord, he prays. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. The wife says that yes, he could. In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? Then it dawned on me. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs, The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. This is my first day driving a cab. He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners 3.. 4 / 20. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. 52. 5. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Is that the dog were supposed to be aware of? he asks the owner. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. But doesnt that suit fit great?. Its called balance., 3. Shut up with the back talk, because if I wanted lip from you, Id sit on your face L.A. Casey, Dominic [Read: 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to], 11. Im coming over to live with you. To which her mother replies, No, no, darling. ._2cHgYGbfV9EZMSThqLt2tx{margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{width:75%;height:24px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-,._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{background:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);background-size:200%;margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-{width:100%;height:46px} Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. In a normal tone, he asks, Honey, whats for supper?, So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, Honey, whats for supper? Still no response. Thats just how I roll. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} They planet. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Could fuck up a two car funeral. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. Thats why this suit is only $30., Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Good players are hard to find. A class act. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". 73. Submitted by C.A. 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . Sir! I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. Theyre so noisy, he complained. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin, My sunglasses are prescription so if theyre stolen, it becomes two people who cant see. @kimtopher22, What happens when you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN? Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog. One thing about Fred, his buddy says to the bartender. Never again. Marie Faustin, comedian. Cant you take a joke? 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. ' @brotigupta, Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. Thats when I realized he was her favourite twin. With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. How are you?, OK, says the first producer. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. ._12xlue8dQ1odPw1J81FIGQ{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle} Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Dont flush, dont flush!, I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Dont miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. And what, may I ask, are you? The cat replies, Um, Im a gnome.Submitted by Blake Kiltoff, What is my relationship deal breaker? Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Dont blame me for your stupidity, take that up with your mom and dad, 49. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! I used to be freaked out too when I was alive. Ive never seen anyone run that fast! How to be witty and win anyone over]. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. 16. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) The sign says its okay, replied the visitor. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. Dont miss our side-splitting roundup of hilarious Canadian jokes. Who knows, we might be able to! I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. A gorgeous blonde. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. Awesome! he shouts. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. PostedJune 30, 2019 If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. Theres a smartass quote for that. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. She looks great! You were looking for a piece of plastic. A cornfield. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. It will be a low key funeral. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Oops.Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. Thanks! A gnome, comes the reply. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. Wow, this bed is big!. "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. So now I got me a wooden peg., When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. No, she said. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! Luckily I was the one facing the telly. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. Lemme try some of that! The man grabs the beer. I dont know, she replies. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto.
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